a fresh start

This is me. Age 24. Starting over.

People say, “You can do whatever you want!” Yet I’ve also been told, “you don’t even know what you want.” – and I believe the second more often than I should. I know I want to be happy. Is that so much to ask? I know I don’t want to be at the “girl’s night” full of young happily married people talking about married-people things, and their husbands, and their group date nights, or obsessing over their babies and when to plan play dates together. It’s miserable. I’m single. Yes, I should get out and me more social. My problem, there aren’t many people to be social with or that I “click” with for that matter. I’ve had some very very close friends over the years. Friends that have changed my life. But people grow up and apart. Distance makes things difficult. People get married. Life happens. I’ve learned that some people I thought I could always count on to be there, won’t always be – it hurts to be put on the back-burner. There are those friends though who do live up to the word “friend”. For them I am grateful. They are my life-savers, the ones that love me no matter what without judging me or how crazy my thoughts are, and at any stage in life we can pick up where we last left off. Unfortunately, they are few and not just down the street anymore.

And maybe it’s me. Maybe I am a drag. I feel like I am. I’m a sensitive and nostalgic boob who takes too much to heart. I care and think too much about people who probably rarely return the favor. I read too many books. I think too much. I hate not having anyone around that I feel comfortable with. I’m too hard on myself to unhealthy levels. I recently broke off an engagement – something not fun to bounce back from. I always see fault in myself. I feel alone. And the one person who used to make me feel like I was worth something when I thought I wasn’t has clearly made it known I’m not really worth his time anymore, which is an extreme disappointment in him and makes me feel like I’m a nobody. I don’t need that. Though here I am, the sensitive and nostalgic boob who takes too much to heart and usually cannot go a day without something making me cry. Even if it is nothing.

So, age 24, I’m resolving to start fresh. Figuring out how is the question. I’m kind of stuck right now. Past problems with depression are back, only tenfold. I’m trying to get help but at the same time, being stuck where I am is only a catalyst to the whole situation. Each day is the same, nothing to look forward to. People, well, family tells me I have so much going for me, but why don’t I see any of it? I need something or someone to lift me up because honestly, lately all I feel is my life crumpling in on me. I need to be back in school doing what I enjoy. I need a job that doesn’t allow my mind to wander. I need to make new friends. And I wish I could just DO IT – but there are so many complications. Things others don’t understand and things I won’t get into.
I have been made offers from some worried sisters. One wants me to move to Arizona where she’ll get me a job and also help her teach her art classes. And the other to Virginia with her little family, though I’m not quite sure what Virginia has that Georgia doesn’t. It would be a change in scenery though. Which I need. Of course there’s always going back to Utah. But that thought scares me. Or stay in Georgia – which worries me too.

Why would I write all this… On a blog… For whoever to read? It’s more for me. An outlet. And a way to record my goals. If these are goals. In a strange way, it’s a step in the right direction. At this point, a resolution is the best place to start.
At that, here’s to my future. With hopes that come tomorrow I will keep it in mind and my head above the water.

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